I have already confessed to my assimilation into the Google Ecosystem. Google Earth, Google Translate, Google Search... For quite a while now, I've been hooked into the machine, augmenting what's left of my human brain.
For many years I had a shtick where I spoke of my desire for a personal trainer bully, someone assigned to catch me and beat the crap out of me on my way home from work each day. The only way to avoid the beating would be to run fast enough to get away from the bully. But it was all just me talking shit. I never actually had a personal trainer bully.
Until now. It's name is Google Fit. And there is a serious design flaw. They failed to take into account OCD, stubbornness, and punkiness. Yesterday, I did 14,000 steps, and Fit, that miserly robotic Fit, gave me only two heart points. Of course, that really pissed me off. Penalize me for walking slow when I've got a damaged right foot? Oh, how I would love to whack a Google Fit employee's right foot three times with a hammer, and then we'll go on a walk together.
But that's just a revenge fantasy. In real life, what happened was I thought, "F you, Google Fit. I'll show you." And I did. And I will be the one to pay the price. In every American cowboy movie I ever saw, when a horse went lame, it got shot. The horse would have been fine walking around with a limp, still able to graze, but no!!! The lame horse must be shot. Here I am walking all over Pine Tree City with a limp, still able to do what I need to do, but feeling a bit obvious. Let's hope I don't come across any American cowboys.
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